Ah, it's good to be back.
This weekend, I performed my first wedding. The bride and groom were two very cool and very close friends of mine, and while I'm not officially official (they were really married a week before), I'm under the assumption that acquiring the proper credentials, so that I can actually marry people, isn't all that hard.
So, here's the score...
I'm thinking of parlaying this one-shot favor for friends into a potential side business.
I've been to a baker's crap-load of weddings and, if memory serves, only two (counting the one this weekend) were what I would consider "fun" weddings. I had another friend who got married on the beach in a ten minute ceremony with the reception at the bad-ass aquarium in Wilmington, NC; nothing says "love" like getting faced off of free beer and staring at an 8-foot long, neon green eel for a few hours.
For atheists, humanists, and other non-believers, weddings can be downright horrifying. Most of them are held in churches and are overtly religious, due to the fact that weddings aren't about the bride and groom but, more often, about pleasing the respective families and staying true to vaunted "traditions", to the point of being a mini-mass with a little something about non-god-or-Jebus-love thrown in for good measure.
To do what little I can for my Hellbound brothers and sisters, I will be, henceforth, offering my services as a scribe for custom-made wedding ceremonies.
Our goal in this is to celebrate the love shared by two people, and their commitment to each other, without invoking anything more mysterious than, say, the universe as a whole. None of this "god sanctioned love" and "holy state of marriage" jive. If power is vested in me by anyone, it's the state of wherever or the bride and groom themselves.
The ceremonies can and will be done on a case by case basis. If you'd like the crazy story of how you met your fiance to be a focal point, so be it. If you've got certain poems or song lyrics you want thrown in, that's no problem. If you want me to start with the Princess Bride "Mawwiage" bit (which I did in the wedding this weekend), I'd be more than happy to do it.
Hell, if you want your dog leashed at the altar, I can write the ceremony and read it over the PA to make it seem as if the beloved pet is the reverend. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of dog..."
Most importantly, I can make the weddings funny. Your traditional church weddings are just as boring as a normal church service, which always struck me as odd. Weddings are supposed to be happy! Two people are in love and they want the world to know it! Why have all this formality and rigid structure, with everyone sitting in uncomfortable clothes and reciting tired old call-and-response bullshit, the same bullshit we've seen in every fucking wedding ever slogged through?
Weddings should be fun for everyone involved, not just the alcoholic second cousins staying for the open bar. And the humor can be toned down or built up for taste. If you've got a really hip family, we can turn it into a comedy show that has real meaning. If you've got the kind of family who thinks "Happy Days" is a bit too racy, we can be a bit more subtle. Sure, you've heard people after a wedding saying, "Oh, that was very nice," or "it was a beautiful ceremony," but how many times have you heard people say, "Damn, that wedding was more fun than going to the movies!"
We can also do weird weddings. Goth weddings, heavy metal weddings, Star Wars weddings, etc. We'll draw the line on, say, Furry weddings just because I'd feel weird saying, "When a squirrel and a panda bear fall in love..." but damn near anything else, aside from religious ceremonies, is fair game. I'm also not above dressing up to accomodate the theme of the wedding; remember, I'm an actor and we all, traditionally, have very little shame, few scruples, and a constant need for attention.
We can do pretty much any length, from "short and sweet" to a magnus opus wedding (though anything over half an hour is just begging for people to get antsy and bored). As mentioned, I'm working on getting official, but if any prospective customers have other people in mind for the officiator and simply want it written, that's fine, too.
And remember, to anyone crazy enough to seriously consider taking me up on this, I'm an East Coast boy, so, unless someone is willing to pay for it, I can't just up and fly out to, say, Cali. If you're anywhere from VA down to FL and a couple of hundred miles West of there, I may charge for gas and lodging (along with a normal performance fee), but that's about it. So, for the time being, I'll have to confine myself to my immediate surroundings; I'll still write a ceremony for anyone, I just have to be picky about actually performing it. I'm hoping that will change but, then again, people would have to be interested first...
So, if you want a unique and fun wedding, or know someone who might, drop me a line. This whole ordeal is pretty new (the idea didn't hit me until a week or so ago) but it seems like something that might have a nifty niche market.
And if you're wondering about my ability to actually perform the wedding, I'm an English/Theatre grad who has absolutely no problems with public speaking. Comparatively, I can't be any worse an orator than any preacher or priest you've ever seen or heard.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
RANDOM SHITE
The Rev. Jenner J. Hull has been neglecting the Funk and Groove due to personal reasons. Hopefully, these reasons shall be revealed in due time...
This doesn't fully excuse me, but it gives me a decent alibi. So, to make up for lost Funk, here's a cornucopia of random rock/metal/pop.
Muse - "Time Is Running Out" (From "Absolution")
The moment I saw the opening, I said... "A 'Dr. Strangelove' video and a great track?" This is one of those songs that's so fucking good, I can't help but sing my ass off.
Apocalyptica - "One" (From "Inquisition Symphony")
For those of you who have always seen metal and classical music as being one in the same... (By the by, Apocalyptica got popular by playing Metallica tracks as classical songs on four cellos.)
Natalia Avelon and Ville Valo - "Summer Wine" (From the "Das Wilde Leben" Soundtrack)
So, now we have a smoking-hot, Polish-born, German temptress, Natalia Avelon, singing a Nancy Sinatra/Lee Hazelwood song with a Finnish crooner.
I've never seen the movie, "Das Wilde Leben," and I've never heard of Avelon before, but this is a kick-ass pop song and should be on the radio here in the States. Hell, can you name a pop song that's better?
And, lest we forget, Ville Valo (from the band H.I.M.) is the only singer alive who sounds as smooth as Dean Martin and as dark as Nick Cave. (He also looks a lot like Johnny Depp in the video...)
Be forewarned! The video for "Summer Wine" contains nudity. If you're averse to that sort of thing.
I tend to focus on the singing, but that's just me...
This doesn't fully excuse me, but it gives me a decent alibi. So, to make up for lost Funk, here's a cornucopia of random rock/metal/pop.
Muse - "Time Is Running Out" (From "Absolution")
The moment I saw the opening, I said... "A 'Dr. Strangelove' video and a great track?" This is one of those songs that's so fucking good, I can't help but sing my ass off.
Apocalyptica - "One" (From "Inquisition Symphony")
For those of you who have always seen metal and classical music as being one in the same... (By the by, Apocalyptica got popular by playing Metallica tracks as classical songs on four cellos.)
Natalia Avelon and Ville Valo - "Summer Wine" (From the "Das Wilde Leben" Soundtrack)
So, now we have a smoking-hot, Polish-born, German temptress, Natalia Avelon, singing a Nancy Sinatra/Lee Hazelwood song with a Finnish crooner.
I've never seen the movie, "Das Wilde Leben," and I've never heard of Avelon before, but this is a kick-ass pop song and should be on the radio here in the States. Hell, can you name a pop song that's better?
And, lest we forget, Ville Valo (from the band H.I.M.) is the only singer alive who sounds as smooth as Dean Martin and as dark as Nick Cave. (He also looks a lot like Johnny Depp in the video...)
Be forewarned! The video for "Summer Wine" contains nudity. If you're averse to that sort of thing.
I tend to focus on the singing, but that's just me...
Thursday, April 12, 2007
FAREWELL TO THE MASTER...
Well, it was inevitable. I've been expecting it for years but it's still the sort of thing that catches you by surprise, sucker punches you in the throat, takes your wallet, and runs off into the shadows.
The Master, Kurt Vonnegut, has died.
To celebrate the life and legacy of one of our greatest American writers, find a friend or family member who has never read his work and lend them a copy of "Slaughterhouse 5," "Breakfast of Champions," or "Galapagos."
The Master, Kurt Vonnegut, has died.
To celebrate the life and legacy of one of our greatest American writers, find a friend or family member who has never read his work and lend them a copy of "Slaughterhouse 5," "Breakfast of Champions," or "Galapagos."
Sunday, April 8, 2007
FUN THINGS TO ANNOY OR AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS...
I’ve always lived by one philosophy; "Your friends are the assholes you can tolerate the most."
Not to say they can’t be fun people you really enjoy being around, but, come on, even your close friends can be real pricks. For me, those are the best friends...
I believe in a code of friendship where you can, essentially, take out all your random frustrations in a constructive, amusing way without fear of any dire consequences. Instead of rising up in violent retribution against any perceived slight, you should be able to, say, rip mercilessly on a buddy for having "fat ankles" until he finally gets annoyed and yells at you.
Well, OK, you got me. That take on friendship is too cynical even for my tastes, but it is partially true.
Becoming close with anyone automatically entails a certain amount of good-natured annoyance and playful insults. In the interest of helping others fully enjoy blatantly screwing with the minds of their dear, dear pals, I’ve compiled a short list of "Fun Things to Annoy or Amuse Your Friends."
STUPID DANCES
This one is potent if you have a friend who is either (a) shy in public or (b) worried about "not looking cool." It also works for anyone, at any time, and in any situation, provided the dance is stupid enough.
If you've ever watched "Arrested Development," you’ve seen Gob’s "Chicken Dance." If not, behold. This is the level of stupidity you should aspire to.
Certain "stupid dances" work better than others in a given situation. For example, a "stupid dance" you would use to celebrate, say, throwing a piece of balled-up paper into a trash can might differ greatly from the "stupid dance" you would use to intentionally embarrass a friend on a crowded dance floor.
Here are two more examples (given the "Chicken Dance" as a first)...
"Surgeon Hands" or "The Funky Surgeon"
Simply hold your hands in front of your chest with the palms facing towards you, like a surgeon would after sterilizing their hands. Now, in time to the music, of course, move your "Surgeon Hands" up and down and groove.
You can then say stupid things like, "Aw, someone better bring me a beer, stat!" Or, "Funky Surgeon’s ‘bout to open up your heart, girl!"
"The Mummy" or "Fuck-You-Hotep"
This one works best with lots of people around. Simply hold your arms in front of you, stumble around like you’re drunk (or have been dead for a few thousand years), and moan periodically. All those club kids with the glow-sticks and pacifiers will love it.
THE PUNCHLINE WITH NO JOKE
No, it’s not a bastardized Zen koan; it’s actually a fairly old, mostly tired ruse that only works really well with a certain personality.
Know the guy/girl who, if you mumble something to yourself, will keep asking, "What did you say?" This will nail that guy/girl at least once, maybe several times if they're a few old ladies short of a sewing circle and/or unbelievably gullible.
It only works if you have at least one accomplice. If "the mark" should leave the room for more than a minute (maybe less, it depends), explain the ruse to your accomplice(s) then...
Just as "the mark" returns, act like you’re just finishing the best joke in the world. It works even better if you can come up with a really weird punchline. My friends and I always worked off the "And, so I/he/she/random name said..." template, just to get an honest competition out of it. So, when "the mark" enters, be on the verge of breaking down in laughter and say something like...
"And, so I said, ‘If you think that’s a rodeo, Mister, you ain’t seen jack shit!’"
Then you and your accomplice(s) laugh like it’s the funniest thing since Lenny Bruce.
If all goes according to plan, "the mark" should want to hear the joke also. Whatever you do, make sure "the mark" is told something along the lines of, "Ah, you wouldn’t get it."
If "the mark" is of a certain personality, he/she will be driven to the brink of insanity until he/she hears the "joke." Surprisingly, it also works on "normal" people every now and again but you've gotta commit (and a large number of competently manipulative accomplices helps).
THANKS TO YOU, I HAD "DANCING QUEEN" STUCK IN MY HEAD THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!
My absolute favorite. Since I listen to a lot of random music and tend to associate with people who do the same, this always ends up being a very simple game.
It works well if you have a friend who hates, say, a particular genre of music that you happen to dig. I’ve found, however, that it works better if you happen to use a song that "the mark" likes.
I prefer to use 80's songs because, for some reason, people either really love or really hate 80's songs. Either way, it works for me.
Some songs I’ve used recently include...
Steve Winwood - "Higher Love" (From "Back in the High Life")
John Parr - "St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)" (From the "St. Elmo’s Fire" Soundtrack)
Paul Simon - "You Can Call Me Al" (From "Graceland")
Huey Lewis - "The Power of Love" (From the "Back to the Future" Soundtrack)
Hall and Oates - "Private Eyes" (From "Private Eyes")
The H&O, particularly, is often devastating if "stuck" because you automatically want to go...
YOU
Private eyes!
(Clap!)
YOU
They're watching you!
(Clap! Clap!)
If you can, try to do it before someone does something fairly important, like work, school, a funeral, a quadruple bypass, etc.
The title of this bit comes from direct experience. A few years back, I caught a college buddy before an important business exam and sort of absent-mindedly sang some ABBA during lulls in the conversation. After the test, he walked in my dorm room, slammed the door, pointed a menacing finger at me, and said, with all the malice a person could possibly muster, "Thanks to you, I had ‘Dancing Queen’ stuck in my head the whole goddamn time!"
I also have friends who won’t hesitate to get cheap and paltry with this game. I draw the line at using commercial jingles or modern pop/country songs but, sadly, I have more than a handful of acquaintances with no such scruples.
One guy in particular (let’s call him "Bitchpants," because he would do this frequently) would whistle the Enzyte theme at inopportune times and also sang various McDonald’s jingles. Damn you, Bitchpaaaaaaaants!
Not to say they can’t be fun people you really enjoy being around, but, come on, even your close friends can be real pricks. For me, those are the best friends...
I believe in a code of friendship where you can, essentially, take out all your random frustrations in a constructive, amusing way without fear of any dire consequences. Instead of rising up in violent retribution against any perceived slight, you should be able to, say, rip mercilessly on a buddy for having "fat ankles" until he finally gets annoyed and yells at you.
Well, OK, you got me. That take on friendship is too cynical even for my tastes, but it is partially true.
Becoming close with anyone automatically entails a certain amount of good-natured annoyance and playful insults. In the interest of helping others fully enjoy blatantly screwing with the minds of their dear, dear pals, I’ve compiled a short list of "Fun Things to Annoy or Amuse Your Friends."
STUPID DANCES
This one is potent if you have a friend who is either (a) shy in public or (b) worried about "not looking cool." It also works for anyone, at any time, and in any situation, provided the dance is stupid enough.
If you've ever watched "Arrested Development," you’ve seen Gob’s "Chicken Dance." If not, behold. This is the level of stupidity you should aspire to.
Certain "stupid dances" work better than others in a given situation. For example, a "stupid dance" you would use to celebrate, say, throwing a piece of balled-up paper into a trash can might differ greatly from the "stupid dance" you would use to intentionally embarrass a friend on a crowded dance floor.
Here are two more examples (given the "Chicken Dance" as a first)...
"Surgeon Hands" or "The Funky Surgeon"
Simply hold your hands in front of your chest with the palms facing towards you, like a surgeon would after sterilizing their hands. Now, in time to the music, of course, move your "Surgeon Hands" up and down and groove.
You can then say stupid things like, "Aw, someone better bring me a beer, stat!" Or, "Funky Surgeon’s ‘bout to open up your heart, girl!"
"The Mummy" or "Fuck-You-Hotep"
This one works best with lots of people around. Simply hold your arms in front of you, stumble around like you’re drunk (or have been dead for a few thousand years), and moan periodically. All those club kids with the glow-sticks and pacifiers will love it.
THE PUNCHLINE WITH NO JOKE
No, it’s not a bastardized Zen koan; it’s actually a fairly old, mostly tired ruse that only works really well with a certain personality.
Know the guy/girl who, if you mumble something to yourself, will keep asking, "What did you say?" This will nail that guy/girl at least once, maybe several times if they're a few old ladies short of a sewing circle and/or unbelievably gullible.
It only works if you have at least one accomplice. If "the mark" should leave the room for more than a minute (maybe less, it depends), explain the ruse to your accomplice(s) then...
Just as "the mark" returns, act like you’re just finishing the best joke in the world. It works even better if you can come up with a really weird punchline. My friends and I always worked off the "And, so I/he/she/random name said..." template, just to get an honest competition out of it. So, when "the mark" enters, be on the verge of breaking down in laughter and say something like...
"And, so I said, ‘If you think that’s a rodeo, Mister, you ain’t seen jack shit!’"
Then you and your accomplice(s) laugh like it’s the funniest thing since Lenny Bruce.
If all goes according to plan, "the mark" should want to hear the joke also. Whatever you do, make sure "the mark" is told something along the lines of, "Ah, you wouldn’t get it."
If "the mark" is of a certain personality, he/she will be driven to the brink of insanity until he/she hears the "joke." Surprisingly, it also works on "normal" people every now and again but you've gotta commit (and a large number of competently manipulative accomplices helps).
THANKS TO YOU, I HAD "DANCING QUEEN" STUCK IN MY HEAD THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!
My absolute favorite. Since I listen to a lot of random music and tend to associate with people who do the same, this always ends up being a very simple game.
It works well if you have a friend who hates, say, a particular genre of music that you happen to dig. I’ve found, however, that it works better if you happen to use a song that "the mark" likes.
I prefer to use 80's songs because, for some reason, people either really love or really hate 80's songs. Either way, it works for me.
Some songs I’ve used recently include...
Steve Winwood - "Higher Love" (From "Back in the High Life")
John Parr - "St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)" (From the "St. Elmo’s Fire" Soundtrack)
Paul Simon - "You Can Call Me Al" (From "Graceland")
Huey Lewis - "The Power of Love" (From the "Back to the Future" Soundtrack)
Hall and Oates - "Private Eyes" (From "Private Eyes")
The H&O, particularly, is often devastating if "stuck" because you automatically want to go...
YOU
Private eyes!
(Clap!)
YOU
They're watching you!
(Clap! Clap!)
If you can, try to do it before someone does something fairly important, like work, school, a funeral, a quadruple bypass, etc.
The title of this bit comes from direct experience. A few years back, I caught a college buddy before an important business exam and sort of absent-mindedly sang some ABBA during lulls in the conversation. After the test, he walked in my dorm room, slammed the door, pointed a menacing finger at me, and said, with all the malice a person could possibly muster, "Thanks to you, I had ‘Dancing Queen’ stuck in my head the whole goddamn time!"
I also have friends who won’t hesitate to get cheap and paltry with this game. I draw the line at using commercial jingles or modern pop/country songs but, sadly, I have more than a handful of acquaintances with no such scruples.
One guy in particular (let’s call him "Bitchpants," because he would do this frequently) would whistle the Enzyte theme at inopportune times and also sang various McDonald’s jingles. Damn you, Bitchpaaaaaaaants!
Saturday, April 7, 2007
YON THINKING BLOGGER AWARD
Dikkii (he of the Diatribe fame) was cool enough to tag the Rev. Jenner J. Hull for a Thinking Blogger Award.
I appreciate it greatly but, crap... Now I’ve got to live up to it.
The rules are as follows...
-If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with 5 blogs that make you think.
-Link to this post so that people can find the exact origin of the meme.
-Optional: Proudly display the "Thinking Blogger Award" with the post you wrote (there is a silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog).
-Your chosen blogs cannot have previously been awarded.
Since Dikkii nominated me, I can’t nominate him back but, for all intents and purposes, "props" have been given. Here are some places I’ve been frequenting...
Rev. Big Dumb Chimp - (Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and I say that is basic building block of the universe. Frank Zappa.)
Braindump - (Thoughts on skepticism, religion, theology, philosophy, and everyday life from a godless geek.)
Atheist Self - (Outnumbered. Discriminated against. Mistrusted. We need to speak up. We need a voice. This is mine. This is my atheist self.)
Science Notes - (My thoughts and notices about science and scientific discoveries and on the philosophy of science.)
Thinking Meat - (It’s meat! And it thinks!)
I appreciate it greatly but, crap... Now I’ve got to live up to it.
The rules are as follows...
-If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with 5 blogs that make you think.
-Link to this post so that people can find the exact origin of the meme.
-Optional: Proudly display the "Thinking Blogger Award" with the post you wrote (there is a silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog).
-Your chosen blogs cannot have previously been awarded.
Since Dikkii nominated me, I can’t nominate him back but, for all intents and purposes, "props" have been given. Here are some places I’ve been frequenting...
Rev. Big Dumb Chimp - (Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and I say that is basic building block of the universe. Frank Zappa.)
Braindump - (Thoughts on skepticism, religion, theology, philosophy, and everyday life from a godless geek.)
Atheist Self - (Outnumbered. Discriminated against. Mistrusted. We need to speak up. We need a voice. This is mine. This is my atheist self.)
Science Notes - (My thoughts and notices about science and scientific discoveries and on the philosophy of science.)
Thinking Meat - (It’s meat! And it thinks!)
Friday, April 6, 2007
IN WHICH I CORRECT A GRIEVOUS MUSICAL TRANSGRESSION...
A friend (let's call her "Buttercup") remarked that, much to her amazement, I had yet to mentioned Zep. I hung my head in shame.
Buttercup also chastised me for neglecting to mention Zakk Wylde's stellar album "Book of Shadows" in the "Mellow Metal" post so, just so she doesn't kill me while I sleep, listen to...
Zakk Wylde - "Evil Ways" (From "Book of Shadows")
Now, back to Led Zeppelin.
I take Zep very, very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that the last time I even got close to fighting someone was a few years back, when some high school kid tried to convince me that Led Zeppelin was overrated. When he said, "And 'Stairway' isn't all that great of a song,'" one of my friends advised him to either leave, shut up, or be prepared to take a bottle of Guinness upside the dome.
So, yes, I am prepared to shed blood (anyone's, I don't care) to protect the sanctity of Zep.
They're the perfect band. Amazing guitarist, great vocalist, and the most rock-solid backbeat/rhythm section ever. They even spawned a Muppet; the most amusing Muppet, to be exact.
I could easily write dozens of lengthy posts extolling the glory of Zep, but I feel it's best to let them speak for themselves.
And the best thing about them is that they pass the "Dartboard Test" every time. Write down all the names of Zep songs, stick them to a dartboard, and chuck three darts. You'll get something like...
Led Zeppelin - "Houses of the Holy" (From "Physical Graffiti")
The git-fiddlin' on this track is phenomenally groovy but the lyrics stand out to me more than anything. I love any lyrics that can be used as pick-up lines...
"Let me take you to the movies.
Can I take you to the show?
Let me be yours ever truly.
Can I make your garden grow?"
Not quite as good as...
"What's your name?
Who's your daddy?
Is he rich like me?"
...but still effective.
Led Zeppelin - "Hot Dog" (From "In Through the Out Door")
I love this one because every time I hear it, I see a massive, Old-West-style bar brawl in my head.
You know, people sliding down the bar, people swinging from chandeliers, someone kicking a full spitoon through the air, some lady screaming until she catches a stray punch, and a guy with a bushy moustache obliviously playing a honky-tonk piano the whole time. It also shows Zep's capacity to switch musical styles and genres seemingly at will.
Led Zeppelin - "Ten Years Gone" (From "Physical Graffiti")
Aside from featuring one of the most evil guitar riffs in history, this song has a special significance.
I once was in love with a wonderful girl who counted this as her favorite Zep song (and one of her all-time favorites); upon learning this, I fell even more in love with her (if that was possible).
Unfortunately, it never worked out quite like I planned and, though we haven't talked in years, I still think of all the fun we had whenever I hear this beautiful song.
So, to all my wonderful, beautiful friends in the Wild World of the Web, buy everything Led Zeppelin has ever produced. Thank you.
Buttercup also chastised me for neglecting to mention Zakk Wylde's stellar album "Book of Shadows" in the "Mellow Metal" post so, just so she doesn't kill me while I sleep, listen to...
Zakk Wylde - "Evil Ways" (From "Book of Shadows")
Now, back to Led Zeppelin.
I take Zep very, very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that the last time I even got close to fighting someone was a few years back, when some high school kid tried to convince me that Led Zeppelin was overrated. When he said, "And 'Stairway' isn't all that great of a song,'" one of my friends advised him to either leave, shut up, or be prepared to take a bottle of Guinness upside the dome.
So, yes, I am prepared to shed blood (anyone's, I don't care) to protect the sanctity of Zep.
They're the perfect band. Amazing guitarist, great vocalist, and the most rock-solid backbeat/rhythm section ever. They even spawned a Muppet; the most amusing Muppet, to be exact.
I could easily write dozens of lengthy posts extolling the glory of Zep, but I feel it's best to let them speak for themselves.
And the best thing about them is that they pass the "Dartboard Test" every time. Write down all the names of Zep songs, stick them to a dartboard, and chuck three darts. You'll get something like...
Led Zeppelin - "Houses of the Holy" (From "Physical Graffiti")
The git-fiddlin' on this track is phenomenally groovy but the lyrics stand out to me more than anything. I love any lyrics that can be used as pick-up lines...
"Let me take you to the movies.
Can I take you to the show?
Let me be yours ever truly.
Can I make your garden grow?"
Not quite as good as...
"What's your name?
Who's your daddy?
Is he rich like me?"
...but still effective.
Led Zeppelin - "Hot Dog" (From "In Through the Out Door")
I love this one because every time I hear it, I see a massive, Old-West-style bar brawl in my head.
You know, people sliding down the bar, people swinging from chandeliers, someone kicking a full spitoon through the air, some lady screaming until she catches a stray punch, and a guy with a bushy moustache obliviously playing a honky-tonk piano the whole time. It also shows Zep's capacity to switch musical styles and genres seemingly at will.
Led Zeppelin - "Ten Years Gone" (From "Physical Graffiti")
Aside from featuring one of the most evil guitar riffs in history, this song has a special significance.
I once was in love with a wonderful girl who counted this as her favorite Zep song (and one of her all-time favorites); upon learning this, I fell even more in love with her (if that was possible).
Unfortunately, it never worked out quite like I planned and, though we haven't talked in years, I still think of all the fun we had whenever I hear this beautiful song.
So, to all my wonderful, beautiful friends in the Wild World of the Web, buy everything Led Zeppelin has ever produced. Thank you.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
THE SHOULDER, PT. II
After the first shoulder incident, I went through physical therapy and got better. Much better, in fact.
Once I started lifting weights and exercising, my left arm was stronger than before. By my senior year in high school, I was 175 pounds of super-fast muscle on a six foot frame.
The summer after I graduated (and mere weeks before I was to attend my first college) I went to the beach with my family and ex-girlfriend.
Up until the end, it was a good week. I had fun with the family, ate some amazing food, fooled around with the (ex) girlfriend; all was right with the world.
On the second to last day, though, something horrible happened. I dove into a wave, like I did hundreds of times since the first shoulder incident.
This time, however, when I hit the wave, my shoulder dislocated.
I popped up from the water screaming, like something out of a fucking horror movie.
With the (ex) girlfriend and the rest of the family taking in the rays, I had to stumble up the beach and exclaim, "We need to go to a hospital, right now."
The only problem was that the nearest hospital was about half an hour to forty-five minutes away. The only thing close was a "Prime Care" type facility.
In the Prime Care (generic title), I was given a shot of Demerol in one leg and a shot of Valium in the other.
I laid on a gurney, on my stomach. My dislocated arm, pointed towards the floor, held a three gallon jug of saline solution. The drugs were supposed to make this make this process bearable; it didn't work.
About five minutes into the ordeal, my (ex) girlfriend had to be removed from the room because I was in so much pain that she was crying. Ten minutes into the ordeal, my parents finally left because they couldn't stand seeing me in such a state.
Over half an hour later, it was apparent that the drugs hadn't even remotely kicked in. Nor had the jug of saline come close to putting my arm into place.
Finally, the lady in charge got on the floor, grabbed me in an armbar, put her foot on the bottom of the gurney, and pulled my shoulder into place.
Instead of unbelievable pain, this action brought instant relief. I immediately went from the mindset of "Please, somebody, kill me" to a veritable orgasm of non-pain.
After having my shoulder swaddled in a sling that strapped the arm to the body, I went back to the condo.
My father had planned on being a stand-up guy and offering me (being underaged) an open season on his liquor supply. The doctor strongly advised him against this, considering the drugs I had been given.
Her words were, approximately, "Unfortunately, the drugs didn't work as fast as I wanted them to. But they will work."
And work they did...
Once I got back to the condo, I sat down in a swivel chair and watched TV. I couldn't tell how loopy I was getting until I decided I wanted to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
After asking my (ex) girlfriend to get my smokes, I walked towards the balcony.
I walked directly into the glass door and fell right on my ass.
Everyone laughed raucously after they helped me up. I laughed harder than anyone (being, for all intents and purposes, stoned off my ass), got up, smoked my cigarette, came inside, and promptly passed out.
The shoulder has never been the same. Even after surgery, it still hurts like all Hell and can't be used normally.
I can't even swim; any full rotation of the left shoulder could potentially throw it out of joint and, given what's happened before, I'd rather not test it.
As Metallica said, "it's sad but true." I live at the beach but can't swim. *Disgusted scoff*
Once I started lifting weights and exercising, my left arm was stronger than before. By my senior year in high school, I was 175 pounds of super-fast muscle on a six foot frame.
The summer after I graduated (and mere weeks before I was to attend my first college) I went to the beach with my family and ex-girlfriend.
Up until the end, it was a good week. I had fun with the family, ate some amazing food, fooled around with the (ex) girlfriend; all was right with the world.
On the second to last day, though, something horrible happened. I dove into a wave, like I did hundreds of times since the first shoulder incident.
This time, however, when I hit the wave, my shoulder dislocated.
I popped up from the water screaming, like something out of a fucking horror movie.
With the (ex) girlfriend and the rest of the family taking in the rays, I had to stumble up the beach and exclaim, "We need to go to a hospital, right now."
The only problem was that the nearest hospital was about half an hour to forty-five minutes away. The only thing close was a "Prime Care" type facility.
In the Prime Care (generic title), I was given a shot of Demerol in one leg and a shot of Valium in the other.
I laid on a gurney, on my stomach. My dislocated arm, pointed towards the floor, held a three gallon jug of saline solution. The drugs were supposed to make this make this process bearable; it didn't work.
About five minutes into the ordeal, my (ex) girlfriend had to be removed from the room because I was in so much pain that she was crying. Ten minutes into the ordeal, my parents finally left because they couldn't stand seeing me in such a state.
Over half an hour later, it was apparent that the drugs hadn't even remotely kicked in. Nor had the jug of saline come close to putting my arm into place.
Finally, the lady in charge got on the floor, grabbed me in an armbar, put her foot on the bottom of the gurney, and pulled my shoulder into place.
Instead of unbelievable pain, this action brought instant relief. I immediately went from the mindset of "Please, somebody, kill me" to a veritable orgasm of non-pain.
After having my shoulder swaddled in a sling that strapped the arm to the body, I went back to the condo.
My father had planned on being a stand-up guy and offering me (being underaged) an open season on his liquor supply. The doctor strongly advised him against this, considering the drugs I had been given.
Her words were, approximately, "Unfortunately, the drugs didn't work as fast as I wanted them to. But they will work."
And work they did...
Once I got back to the condo, I sat down in a swivel chair and watched TV. I couldn't tell how loopy I was getting until I decided I wanted to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
After asking my (ex) girlfriend to get my smokes, I walked towards the balcony.
I walked directly into the glass door and fell right on my ass.
Everyone laughed raucously after they helped me up. I laughed harder than anyone (being, for all intents and purposes, stoned off my ass), got up, smoked my cigarette, came inside, and promptly passed out.
The shoulder has never been the same. Even after surgery, it still hurts like all Hell and can't be used normally.
I can't even swim; any full rotation of the left shoulder could potentially throw it out of joint and, given what's happened before, I'd rather not test it.
As Metallica said, "it's sad but true." I live at the beach but can't swim. *Disgusted scoff*
THE SHOULDER, PT. I
In the summer of 1994, I was piloting my four-wheeler through backwoods trails towards a friend's house. The purpose of the journey was to spend the day swinging on a rope tied in a tall tree over a wide and sufficiently deep creek. Should've been fun times all around but, alas and alack, things didn't work out as expected.
While negotiating a downward grade in a particularly rough trail, I went over a bump too fast, hit the next one wrong, and was thrown uncerimoniously into the air.
The four-wheeler came down in the forest, resting against a fallen tree, and still running. Oddly enough, the vehicle had been acting up in the previous months; half the time, we couldn't even get the damn thing started. After the accident, it turned over on the first try every time. Go figure.
So, while the four-wheeler was pitched one way, I went the other. I slammed into the hill, rolled down, and blacked out. It was estimated that I hit the ground at somewhere around 35-40 miles per hour.
I came to seconds later, tried to stand up, and blacked out again. In my violent roll down the hill, my helmet flew off; we found it several hundred feet away in the woods. That's a PSA for the kids; if I had forgotten the helmet, I'd either be dead or a vegetable. Somehow, I also lost a shoe.
By the time my brother and cousin, who were riding ahead of me, realized what had happened and turned around, I had stood up again and found that I couldn't move my left arm. Then I noticed that my left shoulder was at a disturbing right angle. Then the pain set in.
Eventually, I made it to the hospital and moved quickly through the process of getting my shoulder set.
As it turned out, the dislocated shoulder wasn't quite all I suffered. The ball that fits into the ball-and-socket joint was taken completely off the bone. Hence, the dislocation and fracture.
I was taken to the X-Ray room. This is what I looked like...
I had left the house wearing sweatpants and my prized "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" t-shirt. To get to my shoulder injury and the cuts on my legs and feet, my shirt and sweatpants were cut off of me. Since I had planned on being in the water, I was only wearing swimming trunks under the sweatpants.
Parts of me were caked in dirt; my face and arms were orange.
I had two nasty cuts/scrapes that had not been tended to; the gouge on my side was dripping blood on the floor and the odd parallel cuts on my feet (which probably had something to do with the shoe getting ripped off) were turning one foot a dark red.
As mentioned, my shoulder was at a right angle. The pain had been throbbing for the past hour and had increased to something like a constant stabbing feeling in my shoulder, upper arm, and neck.
The pain was so intense at that point that I was breathing in shallow gasps.
The X-Ray room was so goddamn cold that I (dressed in only swimming trunks) was shivering uncontrollably. This, as can be imagined, did not help the shoulder situation.
So, there I am. I'm shivering, dirty, bleeding, half-naked, and I'm in so much pain that it's hard for me to stay conscious. A nurse comes in, sticks my X-Ray into the viewer, and leaves.
The doctor (a radiologist, I presume) walks in without so much as a cursory glance in my direction.
The doctor grabs my X-Ray, looks at it, pauses for a second, and says...
"Ow!"
I was in too much pain to do much of anything. He smiled at me, shrugged, and left. I silently cursed his name, whatever the Hell it was.
Several minutes later, I was given a delicious cocktail of the most wonderful drugs and a small Indian doctor stood above me, grabbed me in an armbar, and forcibly yanked my destroyed shoulder back into place.
After the drugs everything is fuzzy, but the nurses told me that the "snap" of my shoulder and broken bones sliding back into place could be heard throughout the ER.
I love this story because it's not quite as bad as the second time I dislocated my shoulder. Might as well tell the second story directly...
While negotiating a downward grade in a particularly rough trail, I went over a bump too fast, hit the next one wrong, and was thrown uncerimoniously into the air.
The four-wheeler came down in the forest, resting against a fallen tree, and still running. Oddly enough, the vehicle had been acting up in the previous months; half the time, we couldn't even get the damn thing started. After the accident, it turned over on the first try every time. Go figure.
So, while the four-wheeler was pitched one way, I went the other. I slammed into the hill, rolled down, and blacked out. It was estimated that I hit the ground at somewhere around 35-40 miles per hour.
I came to seconds later, tried to stand up, and blacked out again. In my violent roll down the hill, my helmet flew off; we found it several hundred feet away in the woods. That's a PSA for the kids; if I had forgotten the helmet, I'd either be dead or a vegetable. Somehow, I also lost a shoe.
By the time my brother and cousin, who were riding ahead of me, realized what had happened and turned around, I had stood up again and found that I couldn't move my left arm. Then I noticed that my left shoulder was at a disturbing right angle. Then the pain set in.
Eventually, I made it to the hospital and moved quickly through the process of getting my shoulder set.
As it turned out, the dislocated shoulder wasn't quite all I suffered. The ball that fits into the ball-and-socket joint was taken completely off the bone. Hence, the dislocation and fracture.
I was taken to the X-Ray room. This is what I looked like...
I had left the house wearing sweatpants and my prized "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" t-shirt. To get to my shoulder injury and the cuts on my legs and feet, my shirt and sweatpants were cut off of me. Since I had planned on being in the water, I was only wearing swimming trunks under the sweatpants.
Parts of me were caked in dirt; my face and arms were orange.
I had two nasty cuts/scrapes that had not been tended to; the gouge on my side was dripping blood on the floor and the odd parallel cuts on my feet (which probably had something to do with the shoe getting ripped off) were turning one foot a dark red.
As mentioned, my shoulder was at a right angle. The pain had been throbbing for the past hour and had increased to something like a constant stabbing feeling in my shoulder, upper arm, and neck.
The pain was so intense at that point that I was breathing in shallow gasps.
The X-Ray room was so goddamn cold that I (dressed in only swimming trunks) was shivering uncontrollably. This, as can be imagined, did not help the shoulder situation.
So, there I am. I'm shivering, dirty, bleeding, half-naked, and I'm in so much pain that it's hard for me to stay conscious. A nurse comes in, sticks my X-Ray into the viewer, and leaves.
The doctor (a radiologist, I presume) walks in without so much as a cursory glance in my direction.
The doctor grabs my X-Ray, looks at it, pauses for a second, and says...
"Ow!"
I was in too much pain to do much of anything. He smiled at me, shrugged, and left. I silently cursed his name, whatever the Hell it was.
Several minutes later, I was given a delicious cocktail of the most wonderful drugs and a small Indian doctor stood above me, grabbed me in an armbar, and forcibly yanked my destroyed shoulder back into place.
After the drugs everything is fuzzy, but the nurses told me that the "snap" of my shoulder and broken bones sliding back into place could be heard throughout the ER.
I love this story because it's not quite as bad as the second time I dislocated my shoulder. Might as well tell the second story directly...
MELLOW METAL AND UNIMAGINABLE PAIN
That whole Grim/Dimebag thing got me thinking about how heavy metal isn't all screaming, growling, and destroying your eardrums. In light of this, I found a few examples of metal and hard rock bands getting downright cuddly.
But first...
I've had some pretty nasty injuries in my time. Had a chunk taken out of my shin after a failed attempt to Evel Kinevel a six-foot tall mulch pile; had my nose broken in a drunken backyard boxing match; had my shoulder dislocated and fractured in a four-wheeler accident (which has a morbidly funny story attached to it) and subsequently dislocated it several more times. And, once, when I was trying to flip an open knife in the air and catch it, I got distracted for a half-second and found said knife sticking out of my hand.
Something that came close to topping the list happened to me last night. I was eating a piece of pizza and I bit my tongue. And not like a little nip that raises an ulcer and is uncomfortable for a few days.
I bit clean the fuck through the edge of my tongue.
If I hadn't had a piece of pizza in my mouth, I would've screamed like some buxom chick in a Hammer flick.
My tongue somehow got caught by my first molar, the one sharp one, and since my sharp molar is, apparently, Nosferatu sharp, I now have a quarter of an inch deep slice on the edge of my tongue all the way through. It bled for ten minutes straight and prevented me from eating anything for the rest of the night.
It's swollen as all Hell today and I have to take very careful bites, but it doesn't hurt so much. At least tongues tend to heal quickly.
Now, dim the lights, find a comfy chair, close your eyes, and prepare to chill...
Opeth - "Windowpane" (From "Damnation")
Though Opeth considers themselves a "death metal" band, they're more than capable of getting iinto a lighter Groove.
In fact, one of their albums, "Damnation," was written and engineered to be a completely mellow experience. The opening track, "Windowpane," is a gorgeous, flowing, almost hypnotic track. This video has the song set to the beginning of "The Passion of the Christ" (which is oddly amusing), and I'm only offering it so everyone can get a taste...
Opeth - "Atonement" (From "Ghost Reveries")
Opeth's latest album has some of the darker, meaner metal they've ever created and, conversely, some of their prettiest melodies. This isn't a video, but the song is worth the time.
Porcupine Tree - "Lazarus" (From "Deadwing")
Porcupine Tree's Steven Wilson (who produced several Opeth albums) is more hard rock than straight-up metal, but he's been known to lay down some heavy riffs (like the break-down in "Blackest Eyes") in the appropriate situation. He can also annihilate a rock ballad.
I had found an actual video of "Lazarus" a few weeks back but, for some reason, I can't hunt it down at the time. Someone made a fan video of the TV show "NCIS" (never watched it) with "Lazarus" as background, so just go ahead and load it up then ignore the visual aspect.
Porcupine Tree - "Trains" (From "In Absentia")
This live performance of "Trains" is just as good as the album version. Don't you love it when that happens?
But first...
I've had some pretty nasty injuries in my time. Had a chunk taken out of my shin after a failed attempt to Evel Kinevel a six-foot tall mulch pile; had my nose broken in a drunken backyard boxing match; had my shoulder dislocated and fractured in a four-wheeler accident (which has a morbidly funny story attached to it) and subsequently dislocated it several more times. And, once, when I was trying to flip an open knife in the air and catch it, I got distracted for a half-second and found said knife sticking out of my hand.
Something that came close to topping the list happened to me last night. I was eating a piece of pizza and I bit my tongue. And not like a little nip that raises an ulcer and is uncomfortable for a few days.
I bit clean the fuck through the edge of my tongue.
If I hadn't had a piece of pizza in my mouth, I would've screamed like some buxom chick in a Hammer flick.
My tongue somehow got caught by my first molar, the one sharp one, and since my sharp molar is, apparently, Nosferatu sharp, I now have a quarter of an inch deep slice on the edge of my tongue all the way through. It bled for ten minutes straight and prevented me from eating anything for the rest of the night.
It's swollen as all Hell today and I have to take very careful bites, but it doesn't hurt so much. At least tongues tend to heal quickly.
Now, dim the lights, find a comfy chair, close your eyes, and prepare to chill...
Opeth - "Windowpane" (From "Damnation")
Though Opeth considers themselves a "death metal" band, they're more than capable of getting iinto a lighter Groove.
In fact, one of their albums, "Damnation," was written and engineered to be a completely mellow experience. The opening track, "Windowpane," is a gorgeous, flowing, almost hypnotic track. This video has the song set to the beginning of "The Passion of the Christ" (which is oddly amusing), and I'm only offering it so everyone can get a taste...
Opeth - "Atonement" (From "Ghost Reveries")
Opeth's latest album has some of the darker, meaner metal they've ever created and, conversely, some of their prettiest melodies. This isn't a video, but the song is worth the time.
Porcupine Tree - "Lazarus" (From "Deadwing")
Porcupine Tree's Steven Wilson (who produced several Opeth albums) is more hard rock than straight-up metal, but he's been known to lay down some heavy riffs (like the break-down in "Blackest Eyes") in the appropriate situation. He can also annihilate a rock ballad.
I had found an actual video of "Lazarus" a few weeks back but, for some reason, I can't hunt it down at the time. Someone made a fan video of the TV show "NCIS" (never watched it) with "Lazarus" as background, so just go ahead and load it up then ignore the visual aspect.
Porcupine Tree - "Trains" (From "In Absentia")
This live performance of "Trains" is just as good as the album version. Don't you love it when that happens?
Sunday, April 1, 2007
INSOMNIAC RADIO PRESENTS...
A little something to help people chill. The Church of the Everlasting Groove isn't "All Death Metal, All The Time" or anything.
And just as music is purported to have soothed some kind of large, pissed-off animal, it can also help people relax and, hopefully, help one schmuck in particular get to sleep sometime soon.
After keyboard wiz Kevin Moore left Dream Theater, he went in a completely different musical direction and created...
Chroma Key
You can listen to every song on every album in the "Audio" section, but if you're curious for just a taste, I'd suggest...
"Another Permanent Address" (From "You Go Now")
"Astronaut Down" (From "You Go Now")
"Undertow" (From "Dead Air For Radios")
It's good, good stuff; slightly trippy, often strange, and always groovy. I first heard "Another Permanent Address" a year ago and it's stayed in my "Top Five Favorite Songs Right Now" list since then.
And just as music is purported to have soothed some kind of large, pissed-off animal, it can also help people relax and, hopefully, help one schmuck in particular get to sleep sometime soon.
After keyboard wiz Kevin Moore left Dream Theater, he went in a completely different musical direction and created...
Chroma Key
You can listen to every song on every album in the "Audio" section, but if you're curious for just a taste, I'd suggest...
"Another Permanent Address" (From "You Go Now")
"Astronaut Down" (From "You Go Now")
"Undertow" (From "Dead Air For Radios")
It's good, good stuff; slightly trippy, often strange, and always groovy. I first heard "Another Permanent Address" a year ago and it's stayed in my "Top Five Favorite Songs Right Now" list since then.
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