As a psychotic music lover, I have no problems at all listening to particular songs or albums millions upon millions of times. In fact, when I find a new favorite album, I’ll tend to listen to it and nothing else.
When I first picked up Dream Theater’s "Scenes From a Memory," I listened to it (and it alone) for two weeks straight. Just recently, a friend burned me a copy of Coheed and Cambria’s "IV," which I listened to for about a week solid.
People usually call me on that when I start listing off the reasons why I hate, hate, fucking hate Christmas music.
First, because, honestly, how many times can you hear Frosty the Goddamn Snowman before you want to destroy everything you love? I can only handle about 1/16 of Frosty before I want to turn into Dexter Morgan.
Second, because (with a few exceptions) Christmas songs are either A) written for children (Frosty, Rudolph, any song about a judgmental, voyeuristic fat man) or B) written to glorify Jesus. Children’s music and church music are notoriously banal, boring, and insipid, written exclusively to be easily memorized and easily sung by large groups of people who, for the most part, wouldn’t know real music if it hit them in the head with a wrench.
Third, I just don’t understand the weird, seasonal attachment to Christmas music. Good music is good all the time, not just from November to New Years. So, unless you drive around in the middle of the summer listening to "Jingle Bells," don't tell me you like fucking Christmas music.
The only Christmas song I can dig on is "O Holy Night," because, if you disregard the meaning of the song, you’re left with an eerie, almost evil-sounding number with a beautiful chorus. I still sing it every time it comes on.
But, for people like me, there are Christmas songs available that really get you into the spirit of things...
3. WEIRD AL YANKOVIC - "THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY"
This is sheer genius. A song about Santa Claus going batshit insane (probably because he heard "Rudolph" seventy-five too many times), tearing the North Pole to the ground, and slaying all the elves and reindeer.
I know a lot of people seem to have an irrational hatred of Weird Al (I’ve always loved the guy), but give the song a chance. It’s well done, "Christmas-y," and very funny.
BEST LINE...
"From his beard to his boots,
He was covered with ammo.
Like a big, fat, drunk,
Disgruntled Yuletide Rambo.
And he smiled as he said,
With a twinkle in his eye,
‘Merry Christmas to all!
Now you’re all gonna die!’"
2. THE DAN BAND - "ROCK YOU HARD THIS CHRISTMAS"
Ahh, the Dan Band. Probably the most fun live show in the history of music and the only band on the planet who can get a room full of drunken guys to sing Wilson Phillips and songs from "Flashdance." I saw them last year and they opened the gig by showing the video for "Rock You Hard," and it damn-near brought the house down before the band even took the stage.
BEST LINE... (TIE)
"Have a very merry motherfucking Christmas!"
"I’m gonna get naughty,
All over your body,
Come sit on Santa’s lap!"
1. SPINAL TAP - "CHRISTMAS WITH THE DEVIL"
Honestly, how could the best Christmas song of all time be anything else?
It’s got a mean-ass guitar riff, and some vintage Tap lyrics. It might even be my all-time favorite Tap song, right up there with "Bitch School" and "Sex Farm."
BEST LINE...
All of them. Although I’m a bit partial to...
"There’s someone up the chimney hole,
And Satan is his name!"
If anyone can think of other fucked up Christmas songs, please, do tell...
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2 comments:
I almost did a post like this, but then I couldn't think of any.
Spinal Tap's is a good one, though. I remember reading a handwritten letter to SNL after this was filmed from a particularly ardent Christian complaining. This was in a Tap coffee table book.
Will have to check out Yankovic's one - love his work.
It's funny that you mention O Holy Night, because that one came round to bite me this year so hard I just had to write a post about it.
Nice work, Jenner.
Dikkii,
Thank you, sir.
I can only imagine the typical Christian response to "Christmas with the Devil." I'm giggling just thinking about the righteous indignation.
And do check out the Weird Al song, if you can. It's off the album "Bad Hair Day."
The first time I heard the line, "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!" I damn near soiled myself with laughter.
Luckily enough, I haven't heard the song in almost a decade, yet I still remember every word...
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