ST. JAMES

The Rev. Jenner J. Hull here with a belated and very sad announcement.

James Brown, one of the original Esteemed Funk Masters, died on Christmas Day, 2006. Let's all observe a moment of Loud, Raucous Funkiness for our fallen brethren and yell, "Uh! Good God!"

The Church held an emergency Jam Session when we first heard the news and immediately began the proceedings to have James Brown canonized.

As one can imagine, it was the quickest canonization since Luther Vandross moved on to that Pristine Dimension of Interplanetary Funk.

St. James' musical qualifications were unparalleled and his miracles were readily apparent. For those not up on the Church doctrine, we operate our canonization in a method similar to the Catholic Church; the Saint must have performed several miracles (we settled on at least two). Unlike the Catholics, though, our Saints have performed miracles that any normal person can readily acknowledge and verify as miraculous.

MIRACLE #1: Made basic music terminology into popular song lyrics. A great example is found in his seminal Sacred Cut, "Sex Machine," when St. James asks Bobby Byrd, "Bobby? Can I take ‘em to the bridge?" There’s also the best example, found in "Super Bad," where St. James transfers into the bridge by simply yelling, "Bridge!"

MIRACLE #2: Made noises rarely heard from animals being eaten alive and made them sound good. There’s a particular screech in "Super Bad" (after the bridge, incidentally) that defies a truly accurate description. (I hear an angry pterodactyl, but I’m hung up on pterodactyls in general, so...)

There have been many Saints canonized by the Church over the years and, from time to time, I’ll officially announce them, offer the two requisite miracles, and give you my personal favorite example of exactly why they’re So Damn Funky.

So Damn Funky...

"The Big Payback"

St. James at the peak of his Groove game. When he says, "I’m mad!" at the beginning, you believe his ass. The bass/guitar combo is nasty as all Hell and St. James breaks off some of his best lyrics with the obligatory bombast. "I don’t know karate, but I know ka-razor!" And, of course, the immortal, "I... I... I!"