FREE BAND NAMES

I've accepted the fact that I'll never be the rock god I wanted to be. I don't like it one goddamn bit, but I've accepted it.

I have neither the patience nor inclination to master an instrument; besides, I gave the git-fiddle a try and I've found the only one I can effectively play comes with the game "Guitar Hero." I'm trying to learn the bass off and on, but that, of course, won't turn me into Flea anytime soon.

I'm a decent-to-very-good singer (depending on the key of the song and whether or not I have to hit any high parts with projection), but because I'd look ricockulous in leather pants, I refuse to wear goofy Emo make-up (there's a picture of Avenged Sevenfold's guitarist looking like Boy George that I've seen but can't find), and I think lead singers flouncing around onstage (such as Mick Jagger or Chris Robinson) is completely unnecessary to making good music, there's a slim chance any band with even passing dreams of fame would hire me on.

I also can't write song lyrics. Not even a little bit. They all sound like middle-school poetry, either from a wannabe Lothario trying to impress his first girlfriend or the loser that's in love with every pretty girl but too afraid to talk to any of them. Seriously, my song lyrics would make an American Idol reject cringe.

So, unless someone wants a lead singer that won't dance, only wears normal street clothes, and tells jokes inbetween songs, I'm relegated to singing along like the rest of the fans, albeit very loudly.

Since my dreams of making music are effectively crushed, I feel my backlog of band names should not go to waste. Feel free to steal them at your leisure or add your own...

-SPODY (For you Non-Country-Folk, "spody" is the traditional Southern pronunciation of "sporty.")
-DEAD BABY SEAL
-ATHEIST WETSUIT
-PRESTIDIGITATION
-SPOOKY AND THE CRACKERS
-TUNA SURPRISE
-ONE GRASS, TWO GRASS, RED GRASS, BLUEGRASS!
-MISSION: IMPROBABLE
-FESTIVUS (Great name for a metal band doing Christmas covers.)
-SWEET EVIL JESUS! (Thanks, Penn!)
-MR. BROWNSTONE or MY BUDDY RON (Perfect for shitty, image-based bands that will just get hooked on heroin anyway.)
-MOTHERS AGAINST CHILDREN
-NUM NUMS
-THE DRIP
-TEHRAN DISCO
-TIBIA CAPO (I must find a way to acquire an actual tibia capo...)

And, my personal favorite...

-HELL IF I KNOW (Imagine the Abbott-and-Costello-like implications of having this band opening for the Who, Yes, and the The...)