JIM CRAMER IN "MAD MUSIC"

I was never much on the nuances of business and industry. The Money or Business sections of the paper are the only ones I automatically skip and I involuntarily snarl every time the news goes into a stock report.

It’s just not my thing. And it’s the same reason I never bothered to learn about physics; too many numbers involved and, if there’s one thing in this world I can’t deal with, it’s numbers. When I was in ninth grade, I just barely passed pre-algebra. Now, I have to seriously think about it just to remember my multiplication tables. And, for the love of all that some people consider holy, don’t ask me to keep score in a game of Spades.

Yet, I find myself compelled to watch Jim Cramer on "Mad Money." It might be because I’ve always liked watching train wrecks but, often, it’s not prudent to laugh; watching "Mad Money" gives me the best of both worlds.

I mean, yeah, Cramer’s a raving lunatic (we can easily recognize our own) and possibly a danger to himself and others, but something about him got me thinking...

"What if he didn’t do a show about money and investments and business? What if he was still that batshit crazy and did a show about something I got equally excited over, like music?"

Hmm... What if...

OPEN ON: Cramer’s studio.

Cramer walks into the shot wearing a white polyester Vegas-Elvis jumpsuit, a pompadour, and giant sunglasses. He still keeps his Cramer persona and is yelling the second he enters the shot.

As usual, Cramer stalks around the studio and the camera follows what he’s doing.

CRAMER
Holy monkeys, people! Have we got a show for you! Welcome to Mad Music, I’m Jim "the Axeman" Cramer...

Cramer hits one of his many buttons and a Van Halen riff plays briefly.

CRAMER
Welcome, welcome, and rock on, America, World, Universe, anybody, everybody, I don’t care. I love you all because I’ve been up three days straight on mushrooms. I haven’t eaten, and the only thing I’ve had to drink is cough syrup, so let the show begin!

Cramer hits another button and we hear David St. Hubbins yelling "Rock and roll!"

CRAMER
Rock and roll indeed, my precious children. We’re gonna jump right in with some things that have been weighing on my mind as of late, weighing heavily. Number one is old news, but Bob Dylan shilling for Victoria Secret? That’s just weird, people, and I don’t really understand it, I mean, I can understand why he would specifically shill for Victoria Secret because, you know, if anyone has a chance with the most beautiful women in the world, it’s someone old enough to be their grandpa who looks old enough to be their great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandpa. That’s the world we live in evidently. Why is that?

Cramer hits a button and plays the first bit of lyrics from Desmond Dekker’s "Beautiful and Dangerous;" we hear, "Why, oh why, oh why, oh why, tell me why!"

CRAMER
I don’t know, Desmond Dekker, that’s why I asked you! Moving on to bigger and better things, isn’t Steely Dan awesome? I mean, don’t they just kick superfluous amounts of ass? I’m telling you man, all you needed to do to get laid in the seventies was go to a liberal arts college, get on the lacrosse team, smoke some grass, and play Steely Dan for the ladies; it’s like the chicks were hardwired to get horny when they heard it. Now it’s, I don’t know, Akon or some crap. Who’s that other guy, sounds like he thinks he’s in "the Matrix?" Neo? But he spells it with a hyphen and a "Y," so it’s still "neo" but it’s really "Ne-Yo." Goddamn, I wish Marvin’s daddy had never shot him...

Cramer hits a button and plays a bit of the Commodores, "Night Shift;" the lyric with, "Marvin! (Marvin!) He was a friend of mine..."

CRAMER
We miss you, Marvin, and R&B misses you more. And what’s up with that James Blunt kid?

Cramer hits a button and plays a bit from "You’re Beautiful;" we hear "You’re beautiful! You’re beautiful!"

CRAMER
What is he, a long-lost Jackson? If not, it’s good to see that eunuchs can still get normal jobs in this day and age.

Cramer hits the "Rim Shot" button.

CRAMER
Thank you, folks, I’ll be here until I pass out from exhaustion. Speaking of which, does anyone else think it’s hot in here?

Cramer rips off his Elvis jumpsuit to reveal a pair of leather pants, a long-sleeve red silk shirt, and a purple t-shirt underneath.

Cramer, in an impossible Looney Tunes moment, pulls a giant afro from behind his back and dons it. He then produces a headband in the same fashion and wraps it around his head as he talks.

CRAMER
I’ve been practicing my supreme axe-man skills, folks, let’s see just how close to rock sainthood I’ve come.

Once Cramer ties on the headband, he produces a right-hand Strat strung for a lefty.

Cramer hits a button and we hear the opening of "Purple Haze." Cramer pantomimes badly over Jimi. When the clip ends, he bows and blows kisses.

CRAMER
Booyah! That’s how we do it at "Mad Music," my little fried dumplings! And, hey, how about the Police getting back together, huh? Maybe they can give us more songs about stalking! Who knows, maybe Sting will write a concept album about Tantric sex. I wonder what he’d call it!

Cramer hits a button and plays a lyric from "Synchronicity Pt. II;" we hear "...a humiliating kick in the crotch!"

CRAMER
Ouch, Sting! I think someone’s got a fetish! And, remember, folks, the Police are headlining the Virgin Festival in Baltimore on August 4th and 5th, along with the Smashing Pumpkins and the Beastie Boys!

Cramer hits a button and we hear the lyric, "Hey, ladies!"

CRAMER
I’ll be there running a falafel stand. Don’t worry, I won’t jack up the prices too much. And I’ll gladly trade falafel for any kind of loose psychotropics you happen to have on your person. We’re not picky, but we prefer Oxy’s and Xanny-bars. Hey, I’m feeling kind of stupid, anybody else? How about we hear some words of wisdom? Woo! Today’s words of wisdom come from Mr. Shane MacGowan...

Cramer hits a button, and we hear lyrics from the Pogues, "Dirty Old Town;" "I’ll chop you down, like an old dead tree."

CRAMER
That’s ‘cause I’m the Axeman, baby!

Cramer hits another button and we hear a riff from Ted Nugent’s "Stranglehold." He pantomimes again, just as badly as last time.

CRAMER
Double Booyah for the Motor City Madman! The Nuge! He sent me a fur loincloth just a few weeks ago and I haven’t taken it off since. He’s good people. Jinkies! Is it... Is it time for Mad Mail already?

Cramer hits a button and we hear Stevie Wonder, "Signed, sealed, delivered!"

CRAMER
My how the time flies when you’re having tactile hallucinations. Our first question comes from a kid named Kevin in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan who thinks he’s a smart ass. Kevin asks, "Who would win in a fight? Lemme or God?" That’s a trick question, and I’d say that even if I hadn’t seen "Airheads" over 200 times. Obviously, God would win because, in this case, God is Ronnie James Dio.

Cramer hits a button and we hear a bit from "Holy Diver;" "Jump! Jump! Jump on the tiger!" Cramer bangs his head with the "jumps."

CRAMER
The next question is from Clarice in Houston, Texas who asks, "I have a friend who says that Jethro Tull is cheesy and overrated. Can you help him see the light?" I’m sorry, Clarice, but if your "friend," who I seriously doubt is worth your time, can’t see how groovy Jethro Tull is, I’m afraid there’s no hope for him. I’d say it would be best to simply slaughter him and harvest his vital organs and blood for people in need of transplants or transfusions but, unfortunately, bad taste is just as communicable as Hepatitis. So, it’d be best to either cut all ties with this supposed "friend" or send him to the Mad Music studio for a tune-up. Man, it’s still hot in here...

Cramer rips off the leather pants, the silk shirt, and the afro. He is now dressed in Mick Jagger’s outfit from the "Start Me Up" video.

CRAMER
Much better. Now, I’ve got some investments I’ve had my eye on for quite some time, and these are the dragon-slayers, people, these are the musical investments that will give you the best head-bang for your buck. Coming in first is one that a lot of you have been giving me crap over, and I’m sticking by it. They haven’t been able to duplicate the success of "OK Computer," but Radiohead is primed for a comeback, my tiny dancers. They’ll have a new album out within the year and it will be huge. They’re overdue for another groundbreaking release, so if you lost faith with them after the wonderfully obtuse and oddball "Kid A" and "Amnesiac," prepare to admit that Radiohead is still as good as they used to be.

Cramer hits a button and plays a bit from "Paranoid Android;" "...you will be first against the wall."

CRAMER
And will. I know these next guys are getting old and people nowadays know them more for their beards than their music, but keep on the look-out for ZZ Top. Their classic blend of rough-edged, bluesy rock is coming back in a big way and they’re set for a revival anytime now.

Cramer hits a button and plays a line from "Waiting for the Bus/Jesus Just Left Chicago;" "Have mercy!"

CRAMER
Lastly, KT Tunstall. She’s Scottish, she’s hot, she can sing, and she plays a mean guitar. The main reason she’s a good investment is that they play her on both the pop and country stations. You know I’m not much on the country scene, unless we’re talking Jerry Reed...

Cramer hits a button and we hear, "Eastbound and down!"

CRAMER
But that’s a big market people. This girl is cross-over gold and, if she were to record something with a little more "oomph," she could conquer the rock and roll stations, too. Well, that’s all we have for Mad Music. Next time we’ll talk to a special guest, Mr. Marcus Wyatt, who will tell us why it’s the perfect time to invest in, of all things, Scandinavian rock and pop. Good night and rock on!

Cramer hits a button that triggers the sound of applause. Cramer bows and walks off doing the Mick Jagger "Chicken Strut."

(DISCLAIMER: This horrible caricature of Jim Cramer does not necessarily represent the views and opinions of the Church of the Everlasting Groove or the Rev. Jenner J. Hull. Or Jim Cramer. We assume. We don’t really know, we’ve never met the guy.)