HOW THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN

An old man, MURRAY, sits in a tent. He is writing on a scroll of parchment and speaking along with the words.

MURRAY
And. Then. Gladys. Puked. On. My. Goat.

Murray dips his feathered stylus in a bowl of ink.

MURRAY
So. I. Said. "Gladys! Why. Did. You. Puke. On. My. Goat?"

Murray dips his stylus again.

MURRAY
And. She. Said...

Before he can continue, a light flashes on from above him. Murray glances up into the light, shields his eyes, and can’t speak.

A booming voice, the voice of GOD, comes from everywhere.

GOD
Are you Murray Abram?

Murray takes a second to answer.

MURRAY
Yes?

GOD
Good. My name is... Um... Well...

God trails off into mumbling.

MURRAY
I’m sorry? What was that?

GOD
Well, some people call me El Shaddai. But, then some call me Jehovah. And some call me Yahweh. Then, in the distant future, some will call me...

MURRAY
I’m sorry, again. I just... What are you?

GOD
I am your God.

MURRAY
Which God?

GOD
What?

MURRAY
See, we’ve got a few, so...

GOD
No! No you don’t! You only have one, and I’m Him!

MURRAY
Oh. Really?

GOD
Yes, really! Am I not speaking to you from a beam of light?

MURRAY
You are.

GOD
You’re damn skippy! Now, where was I...

MURRAY
You’re my God?

GOD
Yes. I am. I am that I am.

Murray starts to say something, then stops.

GOD
What was that?

MURRAY
I’m sorry, it’s just... What does that mean?

GOD
What does what mean?

MURRAY
"I am that I am?" It doesn’t make any sense. It’s like saying, "A tree is a tree."

GOD
Oh, don’t be stupid. I am that I am because I am. I’m, like, everything. I’m you, a little bit. Except not so questiony...

MURRAY
So, you created me?

GOD
In a roundabout way.

MURRAY
Why?

God pauses.

GOD
I’m sorry, what?

MURRAY
Why am I here? Why did you create me?

GOD
Oh, well, I... You know... I, uh, created you for a purpose.

MURRAY
What purpose?

GOD
To... Live long and prosper.

MURRAY
To live long and prosper? Hey, sounds good to me.

GOD
No, wait! How about, "be fruitful and increase in number." I’m gonna save the other line for later.

MURRAY
OK.

GOD
So, is there anything else?

MURRAY
Um... You’re the one who came to me.

GOD
Oh, I didn’t just come to you, I... I chose you.

MURRAY
For what?

GOD
To... To spread my word.

MURRAY
But all you’ve told me is that I’m chosen and you want humanity to, I’m guessing, have a bunch of sex.

GOD
I didn’t say that! When did I say that?

MURRAY
"Be fruitful and multiply?" Yeah, sounds like sex to me...

GOD
Fine, sex it up, then. Just, here’s the thing. I want you to...

God stops. Murray waits.

MURRAY
Yes? Um, Mr. God? Sir?

GOD
I’m sorry, I had to let my dog in. Look, don’t worry about what I said before. Oh yeah, and your name is Abraham now.

MURRAY
What? Why?

GOD
How about "Because I’m God."

MURRAY
But my mother will kill me!

GOD
You want I should bump her off for you?

MURRAY
No! She’s my mother!

GOD
Then deal with it. Look, just sit here and wait for me to contact you. I’m gonna be dictating my ultimate message of authority and whatnot and so forth.

MURRAY
But... But why do I have to write it down? Can’t you...

GOD
Stop. Just... Just stop. Let me reiterate. I... Listen carefully now. I am God. I am telling you to sit here and write things down for me because I am God. What am I?

MURRAY
God.

GOD
Who am I?

MURRAY
God.

GOD
Thank you.

Murray pauses. God does the same. When Murray speaks, God cuts him off directly...

MURRAY
But, why...

GOD
Because I don’t have freaking arms! OK? No arms means no hands which means no writing. Just do it, OK?

MURRAY
OK.

GOD
OK?

MURRAY
OK!

GOD
Is that all? If it’s not, make it quick, I’ve got a city about 40 kilometers north of here that needs to be destroyed, so...

MURRAY
Well, there is one thing...

GOD
Jesus! What?

MURRAY
Could you tell Gladys to stop getting drunk and puking on my goat?

GOD
So shall it be.

MURRAY
Thanks, God.

GOD
No problem. But, when you continue writing, you’ve gotta cut the part about puking on a goat.

MURRAY
If you say so.

GOD
Call it editorial oversight. Be here in an hour. I might want to dictate some laws or something.

MURRAY
Sure. Sure.

GOD
So... Hey, take it easy.

MURRAY
Same to you. God.

GOD
Peace.

The light blinks off. Murray looks up to his normal ceiling, then looks around. When he realizes he is alone again, he shakes his head...

MURRAY
Of all the gods in the world, I’ve gotta get the crazy one.