FUN WITH ASTROLOGY!

For thousands of years, people have used the planets and stars as a giant decoder ring for life. Proponents of this particular brand of woo claim astonishing success in a wide range of predictions and assertions, from divining a person’s exact destiny to telling people who they really are.

So, just how hard is it to lay down an astrological chart with a fair amount of accuracy for anyone?

As we discovered, not very.

See if you can find yourself on this list. Let the stars be your guide!

THE CREEPILY ACCURATE ZODIAC: EIGHTIES MOVIE EDITION

-CAREY MAHONEY

You’re fun-loving and a free spirit but possess a rebellious streak that often puts you at odds with various people. You don’t get along well with authority figures but, due to your amiable nature, seem to always avoid serious punishment. Even though you’re a natural born leader, you don’t like to flaunt it.

-LONE STARR

Though most would see you as gruff and self-centered, you are, at the core, selfless and trustworthy. Though you prefer to look out for yourself (and trust others to do the same), you will not hesitate to help those in need. Sure, you might run with a fairly rough crowd but the Schwartz is strong with you...

-TY WEBB.

As a paragon of confidence and cool, people often come to you for advice and instruction. Though you move in some of the "in-crowd" cliques, you consider yourself an outsider above such petty concepts as "popularity" or "tact." You also enjoy vaguely Eastern philosophy, especially when applied to sports and recreation.

-BILL S. PRESTON, ESQ. AND TED "THEODORE" LOGAN

You’re a dreamer, one of those ambitious people who locks in on an accomplishment or goal and sees it through to the very end. Sometimes, you tend to neglect everything else while seeking this goal, but you know that, in the end, everything will work out for the best. "San Dimas High School Football Rules!"

-DR. PETER VENKMAN

Some say that you don’t have a serious bone in your body, and they might be right. It’s not that you’re a useless buffoon, it’s just that your sense of humor inevitably crosses over into everything you do. Even when performing groundbreaking and dangerous scientific experiments, you’re more apt to make jokes about a co-worker than just do your job.

-IRWIN R. FLETCHER
(A.K.A. "Arnold Babar," "Mr. Poon," "Peter Lemon Jello," "Jane Doe," etc.)

When someone once told you "You can be anyone you want to be," you took them literally and decided to apply it to your entire life. You may seem flippant and nonchalant, but deep down inside, you care deeply about the plight of the common, downtrodden person. Of course, you care more deeply about the opposite sex...

-THORNTON MELON

You’re a self-made individual with a madness to your method, and you aim to keep it that way. However, while you’re making your way in life, you vow to have a good time above all else because what’s the use in having money if you can’t enjoy it? Family comes first, but never at the expense of fun. You’re even bold enough to bitch out Kurt Vonnegut.

-LOUIS SKOLNICK

Loyal to the last, you value friendship and comradery above all else. When anyone close to you is in need, you’re one of the first to jump into action and do so instantly. Though you’re not the most popular person in the crowd, you know that, once people accept you for who you are, you’ll be just fine. Your laugh is infectious.

-CHRIS KNIGHT

You know that real genius lies in the ability to inspire and encourage others. While you may be a smart cookie, your interests lean more towards relaxing and displaying your odd sense of humor. Though some may see you as a goofball, your sense of right and wrong never cramps your unique style. You heart toxic waste.

-LT. FRANK DREBIN

No matter what kind of outrageous antics are going on, no matter what kind of impossible situation you find yourself in, you always manage to keep a straight face and get the job done, albeit, mostly in strange ways. You are well-respected by your peers and co-workers. Why, we don’t know.

-"NUKE" LALOOSH

Being young and talented isn’t always easy. You must work hard and listen to those wiser and more experienced than you. You must also avoid unnecessary temptations, only then will you be ready to move up to "The Show." You got that, Meat?

-JOHNNY FIVE

Due to your amazing abilities, people are always looking to use you for their own nefarious purposes. As long as you rely on your friends and your various talents, you’ll find what you’re looking for. And always look on the bright side; you’re alive!

Did you find yourself? I bet you did!

I’d like to think of myself as a Fletch or Lone Starr, but I’m more of a Bill and Ted.

All right, fine, I’m a Skolnick. Happy now? Sheesh...