Our Evil Invertebrate Overlord, PZ Myers, has beseeched us to comment on the impending disaster that is the Creation Museum.
I have done him one better...
Using my nefarious powers, I have sent one of my loyal demon scouts to procure a copy of the Creation Museum’s official itinerary for the opening day festivities. Some of the events seem quite interesting...
ITINERARY FOR MAY 28TH, 2007
7:00 - 8:00 AM
"Prayer Breakfast and Fellowship"
Special message and prayer by Dr. Ken Ham* followed by a Biblically prescribed breakfast of mostly unleavened bread.
9:00 AM - 3:00 PM
"Guided Tours of the Creation Museum: Presented by the Bible!"
While Biblical characters such as Joseph, Abel, and Moses lead patrons around the Creation Museum, other Biblical characters will be spread throughout for added authenticity.
Be Abraham! Prove your love for the Lord by sacrificing your son! Will God give him a reprieve? Test your faith and find out!
Be Jonah! Walk around in a real-live whale!**
Be Jesus! Heal a leper and raise Lazarus from the dead!
Be John! Step into our "Prophecy Box" and see what it’s like to receive divine inspiration from the Lord!
During guided tours, there will be presentations by leading scientists and researchers in the field of Creation Science*** as well as other distinguished guests!
9:00 - 11:00 AM
"The Politics of Faith"
Thomas H. Hunter, a former Moral Majority lawyer, speech-writer for Pat Robertson’s presidential campaign, and Nixon biographer will discuss how we must change the course of our once-glorious Christian nation through our faith. Using the Word of the Lord and the Christian Political Philosophy of Ralph Reed, he will offer Godly tips on how to influence a heathen democracy through force.
Mr. Hunter will also answer the question, "Why Do Liberals Love Terrorists and Abortions?"
11:00 AM - 12:00 PM
"The Right Reverend Zepheniah T. Gauldin’s Old Time Hellfire and Brimstone Hour of Godly Power"
Rev. Gauldin, pastor and founder of the Lord Jesus of Nazareth Church in Willow Gorge, West Virginia, will take us "back to the mountain hollers" with his blend of fiery oration, encyclopedic Biblical knowledge, and over sixty years experience in battling Satan and his unholy minions.
Not for the faint of heart, but perfect for those strong in the spirit! Bring the kids for a lesson in what real faith looks like!
12:00 - 1:00 PM
Bag lunches served.
1:00 - 2:00 PM
"The Magic of the Bible"
Christian magicians Ben and Miller perform various illusions (based on Biblical miracles) using human trickery then explain, using Biblical proofs, how the miracles of the Lord were REAL!
2:00 - 3:00 PM
"Live From Solitary with Dr. Ken Hovind*"
Dr. Dino* himself, via satellite, will present his revolutionary ("not evolutionary") new witnessing methods, learned in the "real world" and honed in "the yard." He will talk about keeping your faith while in lockdown and explain how "Screws are the Devil."
3:00 - 4:00 PM
"Why Are There Still Monkeys?"
Dr. Herman Marshall*, an accounting professor at Mooreville Community College in Kansas who has a doctorate from Liberty University and was one of the leading voices in the fight to introduce intelligent design curriculum into public schools, will present compelling evidence against the theory of evolution and for a literal, Biblical creation by elaborating on his central theme.
5:00 - 6:00 PM
"Keeping Dinosaurs as Pets"
Kurt Kayley, Christian Comedian, will present his Joshua Award winning one-Christian-man-show, billed as being "informative for adults, kids, and women alike." Using Biblical proofs, Kurt will demonstrate how our ancestors not only lived with the dinosaurs but had good, clean, Christian fun with them!
6:00 - 7:00 PM
Dine on sacrificial lamb and rub elbows with some of our Museum’s executives, benefactors, and Christian friends. Dr. Ham* will discuss the Museum’s purpose and commemorate the opening day with a ceremonial faith healing.
The Dinner Prayer will be read by an audio-animatronic Velociraptor.
7:00 - 8:00 PM
"The Roarke Family Band"
Hailing from here in Kentucky, the Roarke Family Band presents an evening of gospel standards and contemporary Christian music with a healthy dose of family-friendly fun.
No dancing allowed!
8:00 - 9:00 PM
"30 Pieces and a Fireworks Extravaganza!"
The Christian Theater group "30 Pieces" will perform the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ live in front of the Museum.
(Remember, when asked, you must pardon Barabbas.)
As our Lord Jesus is crucified, the fireworks will go off and we will reflect on the painful, terrifying, and totally necessary sacrifice He made in the name of our Loving and Just God, so that our horrible, despicable, and sinful (but righteous) natures shall be negated!
*All doctors listed are not really doctors.
**The whale is dead.
***Creation science is not really science.