Monday, May 28, 2007

JUMP CUTS: "I NEED A BIONIC KNEE"

-It's getting awful "spidery" outside mi casa. Now, I might say that I "hate" something like "American Idol" or willfully ignorant people, but I'm often engaging in mild hyperbole. I have a very strong dislike for these things (and many others) but I hate, hate, fucking hate spiders. And they're everywhere. I've gotta walk through at least five spider webs just to get to my car, and it's getting old fast.

-I've been jamming Europe's
Final Countdown. "Arrested Development" junkies will recognize it as Gob Bluth's perpetual magic theme. That keyboard gets stuck in my head about, oh, eight or nine times a day.

-I think my right knee is royally fucked.

You know when you take a bad step and, for a brief moment, your knee hyper-extends? It's been happening to me more and more frequently. At first it was just annoying; now it's kind of frightening.

I was in the bookstore yesterday and crouched down to snatch a book from the lower shelf.

When I stood up, my right knee just buckled and I crumpled to the ground. And it hurt. It hurt a Hell of a lot more than it usually does.

A lady down the aisle came over to help me but it hurt so damn bad I had to wait a minute to test it. I couldn't put my weight on that leg, so the lady and a bookstore employee helped me over to a chair where I waited five minutes or so before testing the leg again.

The bookstore guy said that they had had other medical issues in the store before. An old guy had a stroke, a pregnant woman thought she was going into labor, and a little girl, running through the store, tripped and cracked her head open on a bookcase.

I asked him, "You ever had a 80-year-old man trapped in a 26-year-old's body fall just because he stood up?" He admitted that they hadn't. Hooray! I'm a precedent!

Eventually, the pain subsided and I managed to limp away. It's still tender and I'm still a bit limpy, but it's feeling much better today than when I went to sleep.

It's just weird. I've never injured either of my knees and I've never had problems until this past month. One day, everything's aces. The next day, I need a friggin' cane just to get out of bed.

Before I do anything drastic and buy a Life Alert ("Help I'm in a prone position on the ground and I'm unable to stand!"), I'd rather do something practical. Like have a bionic knee installed. So, if anyone knows any mad scientists willing to curtail world domination long enough to make me a cyborg, I'd be greatly appreciative.

2 comments:

The Alpha said...

So, if anyone knows any mad scientists willing to curtail world domination long enough to make me a cyborg, I'd be greatly appreciative.

There's a long and secret waiting list, but it's an invitation only kind of thing. You gotta know the right people if ya know what I mean. I hear that being a Trekkie speeds up the waiting process though.

On another note, sorry to hear about your knee. I hope you're feeling better.

MALODIOUS said...

Dude, sorry to hear about your knee.
I hope everything works out for you.