Friday, June 8, 2007


Found in this week's Swift; Item 3, "An Old Act."

Wow! Angels! Legions of them! And they help us with specific things in our lives, even things that have no real bearing on anything else at all!

I have much in common with the Angel Lady; for instance, we both offer good, clean, family fun. And like the Angel Lady, I, too, enjoy making shit up. So, here are some of the pertinent angels for modern living...

Julius, Angel of Bad Stand-Up Comedians: Entire set consists of jokes about Britney Spears not wearing underwear and Paris Hilton in solitary.

Mervin, Angel of Console Video Game Systems: Causes your $500 Xbox 360 to die six months after purchase. Somehow, keeps your Sega Genesis running to this day.

Mary, Angel of Advertising and Marketing: Has an open disdain for stupid people, i.e. "you."

Edward, Angel of Misogyny: Wonders where his goddamn dinner is, why you can't fix yourself up every now and again.

Will Wheaton, Angel of Nerditry: Big on the Internets. Tends to kick ass. Was on some sci-fi show.

Herman, Angel of Reality TV Shows: Next season's biggest hit, "My Baby Wants a Sex-Change."

Laura, Angel of Punditry: Contends that everything you've ever believed is wrong. Can prove it using only appeals to emotion and uncompromising smarm.

Caroline, Angel of Performance Art: Spends an hour and a half inside a glass cube humping a medicine ball while reciting the owner's manual for an '87 Ford Escort in German.

Marshall, Angel of Basketball: Hopes you brought a number two pencil, bitch, 'cause he's 'bout to take you to school. Face!

Tommy, Angel of Animal Rights: Eats dolphin-safe tuna. Throws paint on fur coats. Wears leather shoes.

Henrietta, Angel of Recreational Drugs: Can hear colors, pluck the stars from the sky and eat them. Also, thinks you're pretty fucking rad.

Morgan, Angel of Elective Surgery: Has calf implants, tail.

Roger, Angel of Skateboarding: Can totally gnar-dog that death gap, brah.

Lorraine, Angel of Angry Feminists: Hates men. Hates women who like men. Hates gay men because they like men. Really hates Manfred Mann.

Remember, the angels are all around us; they shadow us and help us decide our destinies, or some such shit. So, keep on the lookout for these winged harbingers of triviality and thank them for, I don't know, prying the lid off a jar of dill strips or helping you pick the perfect set of matched luggage.


mel said...

I like your list better than Randi's.

Up next: Devils?

Meet Johnson (they go by their surnames), he's the devilish little bastard who inspired the term "wag the dog". Treads where angels do not dare. And often gets confused with Joseph, Angel of Joy.

The Rev. Jenner J. Hull said...

Hm... A demon list is a good idea. And, I imagine, much more fun to whip up...