WALTER WILLOUGHBY VS. TUCKER LEE THOMPSON

I wrote the following bits for a potential student-created-and-produced play at my alma mater that, unfortunately, never got off the ground. We realized the plausibility of pulling it off a bit too late in the year and, by the time we got tacit approval from the instructors, it was only half-written and we were all embroiled in official theater productions, a directorial class final project, and final exams in general.

What my fellow actors ("Big Up Yourself" to P.T., Lambo, and Ty) and I had concocted was a frenetic, free-flowing, sketch-comedy-type show. It was to feature crazy original music, musical-theatre-parodies, absurd sketches (including a Satanic creative writing seminar), and other bits of random comedy. The fabled "Fourth Wall" was virtually non-existent (like "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Abridged") and we even had some weird, existential bits like a lengthy introduction/disclaimer for a scene never intended to be performed.

A running gag throughout the production featured two fictional candidates campaigning for the mayorship of a fictional city in Virginia. The fake campaigns were to comprise a multimedia extravaganza, with fake posters all over the theatre, college, and town, a slide show accompanying a dramatic voice-over, and, in the end, an actual debate between the candidates which would quickly devolve into petty name-calling and slander.

Just because I always thought they were amusing and they will likely never be performed, here are the first ads from each candidate...

WALTER WILLOUGHBY AD, #1

(The projection screen is blank. A faint instrumental version of "God Bless America" plays.)

(A stereotypical "rich white guy," WALTER WILLOUGHBY, in a conservative black suit and blue tie, walks to center stage.)

(SLIDE: "WILLOUGHBY ‘05.")

WILLOUGHBY
I’m Walter Willoughby, and I approved this ad.

(WILLOUGHBY leaves. An ANNOUNCER comes over the PA; he sounds like the guy who does every movie trailer, just a bit softer and more reverent.)

(As the ANNOUNCER narrates certain things in VOICE OVER, corresponding slides are projected...)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
Walter Willoughby has served the public as a prosecuting attorney...

(SLIDE: WILLOUGHBY lectures a jury; he wears the same suit and tie.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
A health and physical education teacher at Madison Falls Middle School...

(SLIDE: WILLOUGHBY, standing in front of a class of kids, uses a yardstick to point to posters of male and female genetalia taped to a blackboard; he wears the same suit and tie.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
And the chairman of a children’s charity, "Kidz Be Ballin’", which provides culturally-significant sports equipment to underprivileged, inner-city, non-white youths.

(SLIDE: WILLOUGHBY, shooting a sky-hook, plays basketball against a group of young black kids less than half his size; he wears the same suit and tie.)

(The strains of "God Bless America" transition into a darker, more menacing instrumental.)

(SLIDE: Another man, who looks similar to WILLOUGHBY, TUCKER LEE THOMPSON, wears an identical suit with a red tie instead of blue; THOMPSON also wears elbow-length, yellow rubber gloves and a surgical mask pulled down below his chin. He holds a vacuum cleaner extension in one hand and gives a "thumbs up" with the other; he looks to be caught in mid-laugh.)

(The ANNOUNCER takes on a darker, more accusatory tone.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
His opponent for Mayor of Madison Falls, Republican Tucker Lee Thompson, works in abortion clinics for fun.

(SLIDE: "VOTE WILLOUGHBY: ABORTIONS AREN’T FOR FUN.")

(SLIDE: "PAID FOR BY FRIENDS OF FAMILY VALUES FOR WALTER WILLOUGHBY")

And now, the other side of the race...

TUCKER LEE THOMPSON AD, #1

(The projection screen is blank. A faint, instrumental version of "America the Beautiful" plays.)

(Another "rich white guy," TUCKER LEE THOMPSON, in a conservative black suit and red tie, walks to center stage. He greatly resembles WILLOUGHBY in mannerisms, demeanor, and accent.)

(SLIDE: "THOMPSON ‘05.")

THOMPSON
I’m Tucker Lee Thompson, and I approved this ad.

(THOMPSON leaves. The same ANNOUNCER comes on and treats THOMPSON with the same reverence once reserved for WILLOUGHBY. Once again, corresponding slides are projected with the narration.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
Tucker Lee Thompson has aided his community as the Dean of the Stonewall Jackson Military Academy...

(SLIDE: THOMPSON salutes a line of teens in military school uniforms; he wears the same suit and tie.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
A volunteer at the Madison Falls YMCA...

(SLIDE: THOMPSON floats underwater with a few kids in the background and gives an enthusiastic "thumbs up;" he wears the same suit and tie.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
And president of the non-profit Spragen-Michner group for underprivileged, inner-city, non-white, mentally challenged, bedridden children.

(SLIDE: THOMPSON performs a crappy sock puppet theater for a sickly-looking black kid in a hospital bed; he wears the same suit and tie.)

(The strains of "America the Beautiful" transition into the same dark instrumental played during the WILLOUGHBY ad.)

(SLIDE: WILLOUGHBY, wearing his black suit and blue tie, holds a blender in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other. An adorable kitten sits in the blender; WILLOUGHBY seems caught in mid-laugh.)

(Again, the ANNOUNCER takes on a darker, more accusatory tone.)

ANNOUNCER
(VO)
The Democratic candidate for Mayor of Madison Falls, Walter Willoughby, drinks kitten margaritas.

(SLIDE: "VOTE THOMPSON: NO KITTENS IN MARGARITAS.")

(SLIDE: "PAID FOR BY FAMILIES FOR FAMILY VALUES FOR TUCKER LEE THOMPSON.")