Sunday, March 18, 2007


I had this approximate (slightly embellished) conversation, one of the more random, pointless, and utterly stupid ones in recent memory, a few weeks back. I have no idea what made me think of it; I chuckled for a second then went, "Wait. That’s the stupidest crap I’ve ever heard." Then I kinda felt bad for even participating in such a thing.

The following conversation took place between the Rev. Jenner J. Hull and a friend (incidentally, the same one whose dog pissed on his ass) who we will refer to as, oh, how ‘bout "Marzipan."

I’ve known a "Jambalaya," a "Brown Eyes," and "A Girl Named Stanley." I even met a guy who insisted on being called either "Super Jew" or "Jewy." (I called him "Jewy," so I could be Han Solo.)

I’ve always really, really wanted a "Marzipan." And I don’t know why.

The discussion began when I was extolling the duties of the "shotgun" passenger while riding in my car...

Your only job is "deer and cop watch." That’s it. That’s all you do. I watch the road, you watch for deer and cops. Deer, cop. Deer, cop.

Deer cop? Like, a deer that’s a cop?

Well, that would be weird. And awkward. I’ve hit a deer. [In the car, of course.]

Me, too. Give a deer a badge and a gun and it’s all over, especially if he pulls you for speeding.

Deer cop’s probably got a beer belly. And he’s gotta wear a little deer cop yarmulke since he can’t wear a regular Statie hat, on account of the antlers.

Unless it’s a doe cop.

Oh, come on. We just got over the deer discrimination in general, it’ll take time before there are equal deer rights amongst the general deer population, much less the deer cops.

They’d probably be all pissy with everyone.

Yeah. Deer cop says, [with an exaggerated southern drawl] "License and registration, human." And then he scowls and looks at you... [RJJH turns his head to the right, then the left, then the right, then the left.]

"You were goin’ awful fast there, boy. You know, my kind were here before your goddamn roads were. My yearlings play in that field right there."

Deer cop’s checking out the I.D. and saying, "I see you got a gun rack, huh? Think that makes you a man? Hell, my grand-pappy gored some old redneck what lived down the road a ways and tore one of his damn nuts off; he didn’t need no gun."

Then deer cop leans in the window and goes, [sniffs twice] "Is that venison I smell, boy?"

And you know PETA would love it. Until one of ‘em gets tasered by a deer cop.

Then I got to thinkin’ about other interesting anthropomorphic animal occupations...

Deers probably wouldn’t make good cops. Too skittish. Might as well make ‘em park rangers or other government employees in the Forestry or Agriculture departments.

Dogs would make better cops. They’re smart, fast, efficient, and, when called upon to be so, vicious as motherfuckers. Dogs from, say, Labs, Shepherds, and such up will be the beat cops and special units. Imagine a SWAT team of Neopolitan Mastiffs, Great Danes, and Irish Wolfhounds. Some of the smaller breeds, like your Poms and Miniature or Teacup whatnots, can do the detective and desk work. Of course, all the Dalmations would want to be firefighters...

Goats as trash collectors and in sanitation related public works is a must.

Whales, dolphins, and orcas as Coast Guard. Obviously.

Horses? Taxis.

Cats would be the artists. Not like they’d deign to do much of anything else.

It’s a dead mole on my doormat.

You just don’t understand my art! Hiss!

Given the current political climate, we’d imagine people would only vote for weasels, skunks, or snakes. The Eagle Party would probably be a lock, too. (Stephen, Jr. in ‘08!)

Birds would run the post office; night mail from owls and bats. Larger parcel delivery would require mules, camels, and/or elephants. So, regular mail would be faster but interstate trucking would be slower and much, much shittier. Literally.

Bears as bouncers and doormen. When they say, "You’re not on the list," they mean that shit.

Raccoons would probably end up being thieves. They’ve got the costume down and tend to be one of the sneakier woodland creatures. The smart ones would smuggle themselves into jewelry stores on some rich old ladies’ fur coat. And don’t bring up Daniel Boone; they tend to get all bitey.

Spiders would still be disgusting, horrible things. Yes, I admit it. I’m an arachnid racist.

Possums as panhandlers. I can see the sign now; "Will Eat Garbage For Food."

Finally, kangaroos in the NBA. Sure, they can’t run the point or shoot that well, but put ‘em in the paint and watch ‘em shatter the single-season rebound and block records. And you know they’re gonna kick ass in the long jump.

"What of the otters," you ask? Well, they’re already running every world-wide conspiracy you can name. Others may be afraid to speak out against them, but we see through the cute.

Rumor has it that they’re even funding the McCain presidential bid...