Friday, March 23, 2007


I couldn’t resist dealing with another "ology." Background follows...

As a child, I was one of those day-dreaming, overly-imaginative sorts. Always thinking about something off the wall, coming up with jokes, trying to invent weird new games to keep my friends and I occupied.

And, like most children, I was naturally gullible, probably because of the excessive imagination. The gullibility went away as I aged but I can still vividly remember being scared shitless of Bigfoot because I thought he was a real thing; for a while, I wouldn’t sleep up top in a bunk bed because "that was the perfect height for Bigfoot victims."

I’d see a strange light in the sky and immediately think "UFO," because people seeing them seemed like a pretty common thing and aliens were, by far, the most interesting beings that could ever exist, except for dragons. I was both fascinated and frightened by the prospect that, someday, I might see a real ghost.

I readily believed stories that would now seem obviously fabricated or embellished beyond the point of falsehood.

Why did I believe these things? I was like every kid you’ve ever known; I had no real reason to believe that I was being lied to. And I was seven or eight.

I understood the concept of lying, having mastered the straight-faced, look-you-in-the-eyes, "I didn’t do it," as a defense mechanism against my father’s unfathomable (albeit periodic) wrath. So, I understood lying to save my ass (literally), but not lying about something that was either (a) totally inconsequential and/or (b) potentially really embarrassing.

Since my heroes at that time were Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, and Daffy Duck, I had no real concept of fame and celebrity, i.e., "famous adults were working a job like my parents and had no desire to be famous for the sake of being famous." Also, "How could an adult ever hope to be as cool as Bugs?"

So, I never even considered that the people who claimed to have seen the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, or Little Green Men would be doing it for exposure, a lark, and/or because they were crazy.

Sometimes innocence sucks. And it’s too bad that we have to get jaded to get wise.

So, for a time, I accepted the people who saw weird things like unknown creatures and "bonafide miracles" as truthful because, quite frankly, I knew I couldn’t get away with, "Yes, there’s a bigfoot living on the mountain by my house and I’ve seen it," and I figured that no one else could or would attempt something so ridiculous.

And, yeah, sometimes, through no fault of our own, innocence makes us a little stupid.

Once we grow up and start actively learning about the world, however, we, for the most part, drop our previously-held irrational fears and superstitions for a more honest and logical outlook on the world. That’s why most intelligent, mature adults consider Bigfoot an urban legend and aliens an intriguing possibility.

When faced with reflexology, the "massaging of feet to cure and diagnose disease," I think even my childhood counterpart would say, honestly and with no malice...

"Mister? You’re full of shit."

That didn't stop me from doing some super-scientific reflexological research, though. Here are the Scout's Honor, No Bullshit, Experimentariffic Findings...


-By vigorously massaging the ball of the foot in a clockwise motion, the patient will launch into a pitch-perfect cover of Dean Martin’s "Non Dimenticar," regardless of the patient’s gender. (*Note* Great for Italian weddings and YouTube videos.)

-By jabbing a finger sharply between the first and second toes, the patient will have total recall of his/her past life as a clam. (*Note* Patient may have been a Scientologist.)

-By rubbing on the left and right side of the heel, the patient will begin speaking "l33t" and will try to "pwn" you. (*Note* Whatever you do, do not refer to patient as a "n00b.")

-By pulling both the first toe and the fourth toe, the patient will promptly shit him/herself. (*Note* If you must do this, be prepared to run.)

-By pressing down very hard between the bones on the top of the foot, the patient will scream something like, "Ow, that hurts, you prick!" (*Note* This is a normal reaction and should never be taken as a genuine admission of pain or discomfort.)

-By repeatedly punching the arch of the foot, the patient will have an orgasm. (*Note* Only tested once on some chick I picked up at a fetish party, but makes sense.)

-By licking a patient’s foot from the Achilles tendon to the arch, the patient will, for some reason as of yet unknown to reflexology, experience a high level of discomfort. (*Note* Additional trials have confirmed this in all but one patient.)

In all seriousness, a self-made quote comes to mind in regards to this type of woo.

I wasn't talking about reflexology at the time but it still fits...

"An intelligent person says, ‘I’ll believe it when I see it.’ Only a moron says, ‘I’ll see it when I believe it.’"

No comments: